To be honest
By Diamante Maldonado ('16)
 
To be honest

I am a gentle soul
Or I try to be
Even I act in anger
Make mistakes and get it wrong
 
Very wrong, I feel like
And maybe that’s being too hard on myself
 
I’ve had more collapses in my relationships
Than edifices left standing
Something I don’t care to admit
 
The ones that remain
Are like monuments to myself that it will be okay
Buildings that, with time, gain historical significance
In the landscape of my life
 
And yet
 
I care nothing for the time alone
Quality is important too
My stay in a quaint space
That may not be there in a year or two
 
Can be more impactful
Than a mansion that stands forever
But is always too big, cold, and lonely
 
The quaint places are an experience
A touch on my life
I can hold in my heart
Always
 
A place I might not have frequented the longest
But the days there are, and always will be, meaningful
 
Happy
Warm
Sad
Hard
 
Sure…you get a mix
But always meaningful
 
To be honest

I simultaneously want to talk
And hate speaking
 
I don’t want to dump too much
I don’t like conversations where I dominate
I don’t want to discourage a voice with the sound of my own
 
So
I do want to hear
I do want to give silence
I do want to hear all of the not-so-great stories
I do want to hear the silly, seemingly miniscule things
I do want to help
 
And that will help me too
 
Since we’re being honest
No, support cannot solve
All of the problems
 
I can’t fix them all
I can’t make them all go away
I can’t guarantee you won’t face them later
 
And you know something
I don’t care
I don’t care
I honest- to-God don’t care
Let me be the vent
If you should need it
For the emotions of the moment
 
Let me be the soundboard
If the only person you have to hear you
Would be yourself
 
Or simply…if you’d like one more
 
Let me be the silence
If all you need is a presence
Maybe some punctuations made with nods
 
As if to say
Yes, I am still listening
I am still here, though
I may not say much
 
And maybe there will be no words
 
Nothing I can say
Nothing I can do
That can make a problem better
 
And sometimes the thing
You will ask me to do
Is act like I do not see
Do nothing
Sit quietly
 
Because it is not time yet
And you’re not sure it ever will be
 
A time that you can or will ask for more
And that’s hard especially for someone like me
 
Why?
Because it matters
Because I care
 
To be honest
 
If I lived life the way I wanted
I’d care nothing for money
I’d spend all my time meeting people
 
Helping people
Getting to know people
 
I like details
Especially the details
Of something as complex as people
 
And of course
I’d be writing too
But not just that
 
Reading too
Reading is like a soul
Perhaps with its body long gone
Taking the time to talk to me across an immense span of time
 
I’d still be really into technology too
Isn’t it amazing, all the things to be done
All the programs that are available so one can create?
 
All these paths
Because what is cyberspace
If not streams of consciousness converging?
 
With computers
As our sailboats
Our stepping stones
 
Maybe a touch of photography too
 
A frozen moment
A still life
Of life captured
While it’s in motion
A memory given tangible form
 
Emotions passed on the face
The body’s language preserved
Life slowed for an extra glance
Because life, in general, is a rush
 
So, you see, if I lived life the way I wanted
I’d spend all of my time with people
 
To be honest
 
I once had someone close to me say
With the best of intentions
Despite it coming in the heat of an argument
“I think you’re open to certain things, but not to whole idea”
 
At the time I understood this
And at the same time didn’t
 
How could I be open without being open
So rather than brush it off, I sat with it
As I often do with words from important people
 
You can be this way by accepting
As in, you never say or do anything
That would hurt that, or any, person or group
 
While that is good
Being open means
 
Not just knowing, but understanding
Supporting, rather than just refraining
 
Being open is a process, not just a goal
A journey, not just an end point or a checked off box
 
A continuous path
With two main modes of travel
Experience and education
 
And it was already in my nature
To be curious, to seek
 
A trait that dwindles
In the rush of life
But does not die
 
And thank goodness, too
For there are many people
Walking the streets
 
Plenty moments of sonder to be had
Thus even more layers to explore
When your view has opened
 

To be honest
​
I know myself
To be a person whose personality
Seems to consist of rarities and contradictions
That somehow manage to be here every day
 
And there are a lot of buildings here
Some standing and others collapsed
 
Technology and art
Cause many combinations of consciousness to converge here
 
If only for a moment
 
There are a lot of people here, strolling in the streets
Each one a whole world’s worth of complexity
Coming together into even more intricate communities
 
And to be honest
 
That is me
But isn’t it also
 
A city
A country
A world
 
Isn’t me
Just a smaller version of we
 
If we’re being totally honest

With utmost candor
By Diamante Maldonado ('16)

You were the first person
I came out of the basement to
About being Ace
 
Figuring out that I am ace
Took about two years’ time and plenty of research
Or should I say it took two years to be comfortable
Saying it without a timidity or an uncertain tone attached
 
A lot of time was spent on Aven
The hub of the asexual community
As well as the founding place of its sense of being a community at all
 
We are thought to be one percent of the population
Or one in every one hundred people
 
This underscores the stories of
Erasure
Confusion
And a general sense of loneliness
Told in the Ace community
 
Surfing through Aven’s many forums
As well as other sources outside of Aven
Has revealed one response to be amongst the most common
That show a level of erasure
 
The phrase “You just haven’t found the right person yet”
Particularly harmful, I think, to people first identifying
 
Take this comment with patience
As it often isn’t said with bad intentions
 
However, thick and heavy bars
Are being placed on emotion
 
If an Ace dare tread
Into the already unpredictable waters
Of a love, and by societal definition,
A sexual and romantic dating life
Then they are not actually Ace
 
If they dare, for whatever reason
To engage in sex
Then they are not Ace
 
Because after all, how would you know
If you’ve never tried, they say
 
Any expression of interest in a relationship
Be it physical or emotional
Is considered not typical asexual behavior
 
Perceived as “frigid” or “emotionless”
As if the heart stopped functioning
The moment you identify with A
 
It’s these reactions
That cause the happiness of self-discovery
To be chased by loneliness and confusion
 
You ought to count yourself lucky
If the person across from you
Has heard of the term asexual
Much less the shorthand name “Ace” and anything beyond it
 
Especially when it comes to the older generation
 
Offline the community is scattered few and far between
 
Even within the LGBTQIA community
Many aces have said to find themselves uncomfortable
And the meaning of the A has been heavily disputed
 
Ace or Ally
 
Further still
Our acceptance hinges on
 
How many battle scars you have
How many miles you have marched
How many laws have been made against you
 
Turning equality and acceptance into a contest of
My pain is greater than your pain
 
With more still
We are accused of turning the LGBTQ community
 
Into the alphabet soup movement
After all, just anyone is let in now
And the acronym is far too long