The Winner
A script by Julien Sanchez Levallois (12/20)
INT. Hogwarts Corridor- Morning
A sixteen year old Harry Potter hastily jogs. He’s in his casual clothes. Upon stepping near the gargoyle outside Dumbledore’s office, he utters the password.
Harry
Sherbert lemon.
The gargoyle rotates and from the floor erects a spiral staircase. Harry leaves sight by the time the staircase is completely formed.
INT. Dumbledore’s office
Harry steps off the top step and scans the quiet office, which has a cool blue-green tint to it.
Harry
Professor?
While reaching the end of his scan, Harry sees a dark figure facing away from him. Harry approaches the figure cautiously.
Harry
(Nervously) Professor?
The figure turns around with a slither and reveals himself to be professor Snape. He looks down on Harry with a resentful scowl.
Snape
You have no business here, boy.
Harry takes a second to take in Snape’s attitude.
Harry
(Inquisitively) Where is Professor Dumbledore?
Snape
Not here. He’s been replaced.
Harry
What? Why? I have to pass on a word from professor Slughorn.
Snape squints.
Snape
What word?
Harry
...nothing. Just something about the Slug Club.
Snape
(Scoffs) I’d expect nothing more than for you to care about something as arbitrary, elitist, and ego feeding as… Slug Club.
Harry
Awe. Weren’t invited?
Snape
Silence! You will cease to torment my childhood envy!
Harry
Why has the professor been replaced?
Snape
I imagine if I don’t tell you, you’ll be a leech on my neck for some time…
Harry
Yes. That’s right.
Snape
(Sighs) The professor has been replaced due to repetitive cases of favoritism towards one specific Hogwarts house.
Harry
What?
Snape
I shan’t repeat myself.
Harry
But professor Snape. I haven’t felt that Dumbledore favored another house.
Snape
Preccccccccisely.
Harry gasps, and the two reminisce.
INT. Great Hall- Night
The teachers are seated in their respective chairs at the front, and each house in their respective table. Professor Mcgonagall is standing.
Mcgonagall
-and now, we will be deciding the winner of our weird point system that will never come back. Announcing the winner, will be headmaster Albus Dumbledore.
Mcgonagall sits and everyone claps for Dumbledore, who is talking into his phone, but upon recognizing the attention from all of the students, he puts it away and stands up. Everyone quiets down by the time he’s fully up. Dumbledore puts his wand to his neck.
Dumbledore
(Amplifying his voice with his wand) Siiillllleeeeeeeeennnnnnnceeee!
It’s awkward and unnecessary because no one is talking or even clapping.
Dumbledore
Thank you. I’d like to thank all of you for joining this mandatory feast, as well as professor Mcgonagall for that riveting introduction. I’d like to thank professor Snape for maintaining his greasy appearance all throughout the school year, as well as Mr. Filch for keeping us guessing as to what his cat looks like. Sometimes it has red eyes, sometimes it doesn’t. Does he have two cats? Is it the same one? I don’t know.
As we cut back and forth between the two, Filch’s cat changes appearance. Everyone is quiet while Dumbledore contemplates.
Dumbledore
Moving on… I will now be collecting points for each house in as fair, unbiased, and just a manner as possible. At fourth place, Gryffindor with 312 points.
Everyone reluctantly claps for Gryffindor.
Dumbledore
In third place, Hufflepuff with 352 points.
Everyone claps a bit louder for Hufflepuff.
Dumbledore
In Second place, Ravenclaw 426 points.
Everyone claps louder for Ravenclaw.
Dumbledore
And finally, in first place, with 472 points, Slytherin house.
Slytherin breaks out in cheer and applause at their own success.
Dumbledore
(Unamplified) Ah. Look how happy they are. (Amplified) Yes, yes. Well done Slytherin. You’ve won- But wait! What’s this? It seems recent events must be taken into account, and there’s a (High voice) Teensie-weensie amount of points to award. (Normal voice) It’s no big deal. It shouldn’t affect anything. To Hermione Granger, for a fierce (cat claw) use of intellect amidst the peril of your friends…
Dumbledore waits too long.
Dumbledore (Getting more and more intense)
50 points. Nevill Longbottom. For your bravery, as well as your gift in being temporarily paralyzed… 100 points. Ms. Granger, for your ability to temporarily paralyze Nevill, 100 points. Harry Potter, for your ability to kill Professor Quarrel, 500 points. Ron Weasley, for your ability to win a giant deadly game of wizards chess, that I arranged in a school, with little children, 500 points. Ron Weasley and Harry Potter, for your gift in hunting Trolls, 1,000 points. Harry Potter, for surviving the kill curse and destroying the dark lord twice, once when you were a baby, and another time with a rock when he was a growth on the back of a teacher’s head, 10,000 points.
Mcgonagall tugs on Dumbledore’s robe.
Mcgonagall
Albus, don’t you think you’re going a bit much?
Dumbledore
(Frantically) Much? Minerva, you don’t know the meaning of the word.
Dumbledore walks around the table and fixates on Harry, Ron, and Hermione.
Dumbledore
Mr. Weasley, it seems you forgot your deodorant. 25,000 points to Gryffindor.
Hermione drops her fork on the floor and reaches under the table to retrieve it.
Dumbledore
(Impressed) Well done, Ms. Granger. 100,000 points to Gryffindor.
Harry gives a sniffle from his nose.
Dumbledore
I believe that deserves a round of applause, doesn’t it? A million points to Gryffindor!
Everyone applauds.
Dumbledore
Great applause! Two million points to Gryffindor!
Harry makes an uncomfortable face. Hermione is looking at him.
Hermione
Stop it! Can’t you see it’s bothering him? Stop it!
Everyone stops and stares at Hermione and Dumbledore. Dumbledore looks at Hermione with shock.
Dumbledore
Ten million points! Lee Jordan, what’re we at?
Dumbledore refers to Lee Jordan, who’s next to a chalkboard.
Lee Jordan
Gryffindor has taken the lead, with 13,137,250 points, headmaster.
Dumbledore
That’s what I’m talking about!
Dumbledore runs along the table, high fiving every Gryffindor student.
A script by Julien Sanchez Levallois (12/20)
INT. Hogwarts Corridor- Morning
A sixteen year old Harry Potter hastily jogs. He’s in his casual clothes. Upon stepping near the gargoyle outside Dumbledore’s office, he utters the password.
Harry
Sherbert lemon.
The gargoyle rotates and from the floor erects a spiral staircase. Harry leaves sight by the time the staircase is completely formed.
INT. Dumbledore’s office
Harry steps off the top step and scans the quiet office, which has a cool blue-green tint to it.
Harry
Professor?
While reaching the end of his scan, Harry sees a dark figure facing away from him. Harry approaches the figure cautiously.
Harry
(Nervously) Professor?
The figure turns around with a slither and reveals himself to be professor Snape. He looks down on Harry with a resentful scowl.
Snape
You have no business here, boy.
Harry takes a second to take in Snape’s attitude.
Harry
(Inquisitively) Where is Professor Dumbledore?
Snape
Not here. He’s been replaced.
Harry
What? Why? I have to pass on a word from professor Slughorn.
Snape squints.
Snape
What word?
Harry
...nothing. Just something about the Slug Club.
Snape
(Scoffs) I’d expect nothing more than for you to care about something as arbitrary, elitist, and ego feeding as… Slug Club.
Harry
Awe. Weren’t invited?
Snape
Silence! You will cease to torment my childhood envy!
Harry
Why has the professor been replaced?
Snape
I imagine if I don’t tell you, you’ll be a leech on my neck for some time…
Harry
Yes. That’s right.
Snape
(Sighs) The professor has been replaced due to repetitive cases of favoritism towards one specific Hogwarts house.
Harry
What?
Snape
I shan’t repeat myself.
Harry
But professor Snape. I haven’t felt that Dumbledore favored another house.
Snape
Preccccccccisely.
Harry gasps, and the two reminisce.
INT. Great Hall- Night
The teachers are seated in their respective chairs at the front, and each house in their respective table. Professor Mcgonagall is standing.
Mcgonagall
-and now, we will be deciding the winner of our weird point system that will never come back. Announcing the winner, will be headmaster Albus Dumbledore.
Mcgonagall sits and everyone claps for Dumbledore, who is talking into his phone, but upon recognizing the attention from all of the students, he puts it away and stands up. Everyone quiets down by the time he’s fully up. Dumbledore puts his wand to his neck.
Dumbledore
(Amplifying his voice with his wand) Siiillllleeeeeeeeennnnnnnceeee!
It’s awkward and unnecessary because no one is talking or even clapping.
Dumbledore
Thank you. I’d like to thank all of you for joining this mandatory feast, as well as professor Mcgonagall for that riveting introduction. I’d like to thank professor Snape for maintaining his greasy appearance all throughout the school year, as well as Mr. Filch for keeping us guessing as to what his cat looks like. Sometimes it has red eyes, sometimes it doesn’t. Does he have two cats? Is it the same one? I don’t know.
As we cut back and forth between the two, Filch’s cat changes appearance. Everyone is quiet while Dumbledore contemplates.
Dumbledore
Moving on… I will now be collecting points for each house in as fair, unbiased, and just a manner as possible. At fourth place, Gryffindor with 312 points.
Everyone reluctantly claps for Gryffindor.
Dumbledore
In third place, Hufflepuff with 352 points.
Everyone claps a bit louder for Hufflepuff.
Dumbledore
In Second place, Ravenclaw 426 points.
Everyone claps louder for Ravenclaw.
Dumbledore
And finally, in first place, with 472 points, Slytherin house.
Slytherin breaks out in cheer and applause at their own success.
Dumbledore
(Unamplified) Ah. Look how happy they are. (Amplified) Yes, yes. Well done Slytherin. You’ve won- But wait! What’s this? It seems recent events must be taken into account, and there’s a (High voice) Teensie-weensie amount of points to award. (Normal voice) It’s no big deal. It shouldn’t affect anything. To Hermione Granger, for a fierce (cat claw) use of intellect amidst the peril of your friends…
Dumbledore waits too long.
Dumbledore (Getting more and more intense)
50 points. Nevill Longbottom. For your bravery, as well as your gift in being temporarily paralyzed… 100 points. Ms. Granger, for your ability to temporarily paralyze Nevill, 100 points. Harry Potter, for your ability to kill Professor Quarrel, 500 points. Ron Weasley, for your ability to win a giant deadly game of wizards chess, that I arranged in a school, with little children, 500 points. Ron Weasley and Harry Potter, for your gift in hunting Trolls, 1,000 points. Harry Potter, for surviving the kill curse and destroying the dark lord twice, once when you were a baby, and another time with a rock when he was a growth on the back of a teacher’s head, 10,000 points.
Mcgonagall tugs on Dumbledore’s robe.
Mcgonagall
Albus, don’t you think you’re going a bit much?
Dumbledore
(Frantically) Much? Minerva, you don’t know the meaning of the word.
Dumbledore walks around the table and fixates on Harry, Ron, and Hermione.
Dumbledore
Mr. Weasley, it seems you forgot your deodorant. 25,000 points to Gryffindor.
Hermione drops her fork on the floor and reaches under the table to retrieve it.
Dumbledore
(Impressed) Well done, Ms. Granger. 100,000 points to Gryffindor.
Harry gives a sniffle from his nose.
Dumbledore
I believe that deserves a round of applause, doesn’t it? A million points to Gryffindor!
Everyone applauds.
Dumbledore
Great applause! Two million points to Gryffindor!
Harry makes an uncomfortable face. Hermione is looking at him.
Hermione
Stop it! Can’t you see it’s bothering him? Stop it!
Everyone stops and stares at Hermione and Dumbledore. Dumbledore looks at Hermione with shock.
Dumbledore
Ten million points! Lee Jordan, what’re we at?
Dumbledore refers to Lee Jordan, who’s next to a chalkboard.
Lee Jordan
Gryffindor has taken the lead, with 13,137,250 points, headmaster.
Dumbledore
That’s what I’m talking about!
Dumbledore runs along the table, high fiving every Gryffindor student.