Trans* Monthly
SeptemberTuesday, September 29, 2015
It has been a month since I started testosterone. Things are changing rapidly. My facial hair is becoming much more evident, my voice has gotten deeper, and my muscles are becoming much more defined in my arms. As for emotions, it’s been really hard to control them. I feel a bit more “down in the dumps” and my anger is rapidly increasing. But that doesn’t change the fact that whenever someone compliments me with, “Your voice is deeper!” or “You really look like a boy” my day becomes a little bit brighter, I get a little bit happier, and life seems a tad more tolerable. I’ve been in a sort of euphoric state since starting testosterone. I finally feel comfortable in the skin I wear. I feel like I can actually call it “mine”. I still feel dysphoria, though. That’s not something that’s going to just vanish as soon as the hormones are started. I just feel like it's lessened. And that’s better than nothing. What people who start hormone therapy need to realize, though, is that the dysphoria will never go away; rather, it just gets easier and easier to tolerate. 
December
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
It’s month number four on testosterone. I can’t say that there’s been much change from last month. Everything that’s been changing is continuing to transform. Last year, if you came up to me and described how I would look now, it’d sound as if you were describing a complete stranger. This time last year I had a very feminine, well, everything. Even my emotions are completely different. Last December, I was a mess. And although the testosterone is said to make a complete whirlwind out of them, I somehow feel in control. I feel tranquil and peaceful. Maybe it’s because the clay that is my life has finally softened out and made it possible to mold it into the masterpiece it was supposed to be. When I look back, these last months have really made an impact on me. If you asked me what is one thing that really influenced my life it would be experiencing the power to finally fix my life to benefit myself. All of my life, I did everything I could for everyone. So it feels extraordinary to finally be able to do something for myself. And this time, I don’t feel guilty for it; which is what everyone needs to learn to do when in the position of whether they should transition. Forget what people will think. There’s always someone that’ll be against you no matter what you choose to do. So you might as well go ahead and do what will benefit you and have them talk about it rather than do nothing at all and still have gossip going. |
OctoberThursday, October 29, 2015
Today marks 2 months on testosterone. There have been numerous transformations in that short amount of time; the biggest thing being my mental health. When I first found out I was transgender, I was relieved I finally had an identity that felt right. Then, I became very depressed. I didn’t want to be transgender. I already had enough problems, ranging from family and home to school and friends. This was the icing on the cake. I was out as a lesbian. I thought I was done coming out. I was wrong. When I find something out about myself, I feel the need to explain it to the world, but when I found this out I wanted to hide under a rock. Transgender is a very foreign word in every language. So trying to explain it to my family, as well as teachers and friends, took a tremendous toll on my mental stability. I thought I wasn’t going to make it to the day where I would get a deeper voice or grow a beard. That was a year ago. When I started testosterone two months ago, there was such a satisfying feeling to it. My mental health has regained its stability to the point where there’s no need for me to take anti-depressants anymore. I feel so free. And although I was super nervous coming out to my family and friends, or just people in general, everyone, for the most part, took it better than I expected. The next step in the process is getting top surgery. January
Friday, January 29, 2016
The deeper I get into this process, the more I want out. I don’t know how much more of it I can handle. And although I’m getting to where I want to be, there’s always that little nagging tug of regret in the back of my head that feels ashamed. It’s not the actual process that makes me feel like this either. I know that much. It’s more of the people around me that are making this process hard for me. Mostly my family. They always tell me that they accept me and are proud of me for doing what I need to do, but that doesn’t stop them from constantly saying all the wrong things. But when I snap, I’m wrong for it. It has gotten to the point where I’m actually physically and emotionally drained. I don’t even bother trying to correct anyone anymore because apparently, I’m always wrong. So I guess that’s the most difficult part of transitioning; trying to correct everyone. The only reason I haven’t gave up is because I’m too prideful. I don’t want to give anyone the benefit of me giving up just because there are ignorant people in the world. But, it can be very discouraging at times; others it’s pretty manageable. That doesn’t mean that it’s the same for everyone though. In fact, there are plenty of families that have much warmer responses. And for those people, good for you. For the others, don’t let negative reactions disappoint you. Keep going with what makes YOU happy. I am now five months in and I could honestly say that I couldn’t be prouder of myself for sticking to this. Through all the dysphoria, incorrect pronoun use and body negativity, I made it. There have been hiccups in the road. There have been sleepless nights filled with nothing but tears and self-hate. And there have been nights where I thought it’d be easier to give everything all up and end it right then and there. My point is that this process is long and challenging, but if it’s what you really want or need, these little bumps and scratches are nothing. |
November
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Today makes 3 months on testosterone. I was looking at pictures of myself from when I pretended to be female and it’s so weird seeing myself look like that. Now that I’ve freed myself, I can’t imagine going back. Sometimes I still have to pretend because some of my relatives don’t know and don’t understand what being transgender is. It makes me angry. I hate having to hide who I am. Over the last 3 months, I can say that I definitely have changed. I’m going to start by saying just because I’ve experienced great results with my treatment, that doesn’t mean it goes well for everyone. Romanticizing the use of testosterone isn’t what I’m aiming for. Everyone experiences it differently. Whereas I’ve had successful results, some transmen (and transwomen) regret transitioning. With that being said, in the past 3 months, I can say that everything is going smoothly. My facial hair is getting super long and thick, my body seems to be redistributing fat to more masculine areas, and my vocal cords have thickened immensely. Some days I talk to people on the phone and they ask who it is because my voice has gotten that deep. Everything has been working so well with the exception of my mood. My mood is always fluctuating. Some days I’ll be in a great mood; other days, I can’t stand the world. In a way, my anger is the worst I’ve ever experienced, but it’s not comparable to how angry I used to be. It’s possible that my anger is a different type of anger. Still, being angry is nothing compared to how grateful I am that I've gotten this far. |
Older Pieces of Work
To Be Honest
By Gianni Elcuri 5/15
It is a cold January night and I am snuggled up between thermal covers desperately trying to get to sleep when I start reminiscing about my creative writing class with Ms. Englart. Usually we discuss events that are going on in the world and today the topic of a transgender girl who wasn’t allowed to use the girls’ bathroom came up. Curious, I grasp at the sheet covers until my hands find the frozen metal of my phone and I rapidly type “transgender” into the cracked shards of the screen. Multiple articles and videos come up. I find a video that catches my attention about a little blond-haired girl, Ryland, who claimed that she was a boy and corrected anyone who said otherwise.
While listening, I become intrigued. Things that were said matched what I was desperately trying to understand. Although most kids realize their true gender between three and five years of age, I was not that fortunate. I've always felt uncomfortable. I am a biracial child among generally Caucasian kids, I am slightly overweight, and I’m in such a foreign body.
In seventh grade, I came out as a lesbian, feeling that maybe I would feel better, and for a while I did. But it wasn’t enough. I began dressing as a boy and would cringe at the sound of being called pretty. I sagged my worn out blue jeans, wore my curly black hair up at all times to make it look like I had short hair, and even put on Men’s Polo cologne. I want to be one of the guys. Yet, I called myself a girl even though it tasted like Brussels sprouts on my tongue.
Taking in what transgender meant was like the first drop of water that hits your tongue after a long run.
I sank my face into the downy fluff in my pillow and sobbed with joy. I was finally able to identify myself. I knew who I was and I couldn't imagine feeling more pleasure than I did in that moment. Unfortunately, that happiness was short-lived.
The next step was coming out. Again.
The first time, when I came out as a lesbian, my mother nearly disowned me for that. My grandparents nearly died from such an “abomination.” And now I had to tell them that I wasn't a lesbian, but actually a boy.
A week after I learned about myself, I told everyone who I was. I was horrified. I felt my hands get all clammy, I felt like I was on a jackhammer; I was stuttering and my heart dropped down to my feet from fear.
I sat my grandmother down and said, “Mama, I hate who I am.”
She responded, “Why? What’s wrong Pooh Bear?”
“Mama, I don’t feel like a girl. I want--no I NEED--to be a boy.”
I sat there with a knot the size of a softball in my throat.
Her response?
“To be honest, you always felt like one to me. There’s nothing different about you. I love you.”
From that day on, I was confident about myself and I wasn’t afraid to tell others who I am.
By Gianni Elcuri 5/15
It is a cold January night and I am snuggled up between thermal covers desperately trying to get to sleep when I start reminiscing about my creative writing class with Ms. Englart. Usually we discuss events that are going on in the world and today the topic of a transgender girl who wasn’t allowed to use the girls’ bathroom came up. Curious, I grasp at the sheet covers until my hands find the frozen metal of my phone and I rapidly type “transgender” into the cracked shards of the screen. Multiple articles and videos come up. I find a video that catches my attention about a little blond-haired girl, Ryland, who claimed that she was a boy and corrected anyone who said otherwise.
While listening, I become intrigued. Things that were said matched what I was desperately trying to understand. Although most kids realize their true gender between three and five years of age, I was not that fortunate. I've always felt uncomfortable. I am a biracial child among generally Caucasian kids, I am slightly overweight, and I’m in such a foreign body.
In seventh grade, I came out as a lesbian, feeling that maybe I would feel better, and for a while I did. But it wasn’t enough. I began dressing as a boy and would cringe at the sound of being called pretty. I sagged my worn out blue jeans, wore my curly black hair up at all times to make it look like I had short hair, and even put on Men’s Polo cologne. I want to be one of the guys. Yet, I called myself a girl even though it tasted like Brussels sprouts on my tongue.
Taking in what transgender meant was like the first drop of water that hits your tongue after a long run.
I sank my face into the downy fluff in my pillow and sobbed with joy. I was finally able to identify myself. I knew who I was and I couldn't imagine feeling more pleasure than I did in that moment. Unfortunately, that happiness was short-lived.
The next step was coming out. Again.
The first time, when I came out as a lesbian, my mother nearly disowned me for that. My grandparents nearly died from such an “abomination.” And now I had to tell them that I wasn't a lesbian, but actually a boy.
A week after I learned about myself, I told everyone who I was. I was horrified. I felt my hands get all clammy, I felt like I was on a jackhammer; I was stuttering and my heart dropped down to my feet from fear.
I sat my grandmother down and said, “Mama, I hate who I am.”
She responded, “Why? What’s wrong Pooh Bear?”
“Mama, I don’t feel like a girl. I want--no I NEED--to be a boy.”
I sat there with a knot the size of a softball in my throat.
Her response?
“To be honest, you always felt like one to me. There’s nothing different about you. I love you.”
From that day on, I was confident about myself and I wasn’t afraid to tell others who I am.
The Truth About Gender Dysphoria
By Gianni Elcuri 1/15 Gender Dysphoria is a disorder that is described as a discontent or discomfort with the gender a person is assigned to at birth. The condition was first revealed in American Psychiatric Association’s (APA) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) in 1980, but it has been around for centuries before that. People do not take Gender Dysphoria as seriously as they should. Society does not take it as serious as it should and because of that, there are legitimate negative impacts on people who experience the disorder. Therefore, people who experience Gender Dysphoria must have the opportunity and support to transition to their true gender. Although many could argue that Gender Dysphoria does not exist and many transgender people are just overdramatizing the fact that they cannot bear being in the body they were born with, people with Gender Dysphoria have higher risks of developing a mental health condition. According to the website MedlinePlus, many people with Gender Dysphoria are exposed to mental disorders such as depression and anxiety. These are common symptoms if the dysphoria is not dealt with. As reported by WedMD.com, statistics show that 71 percent of people who do not get diagnosed right or are undertreated for Gender Dysphoria will suffer these health circumstances for the rest of their lives. Sometimes, the depression and anxiety lead to suicide attempts. The world needs to become more accepting of the transgender community even if people have their own opinions. In the article, “A Girl on Friday, A Boy by Monday,” a transgendered female was bullied so viciously that she attempted to commit suicide approximately 4 times. The cause of these attempts was due to peers not allowing her to be who she was without taunting her, even as she was trying to fight her dysphoria. The little girl was pulled out of school to keep her from trying to kill herself again. Arguably, she could have been doing this for attention, but iit's important to note that there have been many children, adolescents, and even adults who have been so uncomfortable in their bodies that they felt like there was no other choice but to end their lives. Society plays a big part in the development of Gender Dysphoria. As stated by the Gender Identification Research and Education Society (GIRES), an organization that researches and educates on gender identity and transsexualism, there have been many reports of harassment in workplaces. Due to the harassment, many people “stay in the closet” because they do not want to come into contact with that kind of treatment. Many people suggest staying with the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. This “policy” is very hypocritical, because not only does it make people have to hide their true identities, but it is a twisted way for society to say that we accept everyone as equal, but in truth, it only accepts a "man" and a "woman," not a man in a woman’s body or vice versa. The reason there is Gender Dysphoria is because there are people who cannot grasp the idea of someone’s mind not matching their genitalia and overall physique. The reality is that many people experience Gender Dysphoria, whether they are male or female, young or old, and others need to welcome and accept it. People with Gender Dysphoria suffer, but part of their suffering is preventable if those around them provide acceptance and support for them to be seen and experienced as who they really are. Works Cited 1. "Gender Dysphoria: What It Is and How It's Treated." WebMD. WebMD, n.d. Web. 13 Jan. 2015. 2. Gender IdentityResearch AndEducation Society." Discrimination against Gender Variant People in the Workplace. N.p., n.d. Web. 13 Jan. 2015. 3. Pappas, By Stephanie. "Mental Health Problems Plague Transgender Kids."LiveScience. TechMedia Network, 20 Feb. 2012. Web. 13 Jan. 2015. 4. “Education." Education. N.p., n.d. Web. 13 Jan. 2015. We All Belong
Gianni Elcuri May 13, 2015 They tell me to sit like a lady But I’d rather be stuck with Hades Because lately My memory’s been a bit Hazy And I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t crazy But maybe If people were tolerant on a daily I could frolic gaily. Instead You kill your own Because they want to wear Perfume instead of cologne. And you cry And ask the good Lord why He lets our loved ones die And you sit there and lie Saying all you did was try But you couldn’t even buy Your transgender son a tie. But they didn’t die, By the stabs of a knife, They died because you lied You said you’d let them Spread their wings and fly But you couldn’t take That your son or daughter was gay You’d pray That they would sway The “right” way But at their wake Is where they lay All still and grey Then you’re on your knees, At the funeral while you grieve Then there are the kids that have to hide Because they come from a family that expects there to be a groom and a bride And they have no one to confide To. So they grow up denied Become drug addicts and decide To take their own lives. Keep in mind That this happens worldwide And it doesn’t matter If their orientation or gender Makes you madder They might not be here later Stop being a dictator Love your kids and savor The time you have because You could be their savior And they won’t pick up that razor But if you choose To refuse And conclude That your child is making an excuse Don’t be surprised When their pain is disguised And they barely feel alive Because they were deprived Of the unconditional love they need to survive. So step back and guess Is it such a bad thing to address Your child’s progress Or would you rather they regress Because you can’t accept That they want to wear a dress. We are afraid To explain Because we know our parents will complain, Verbally cause us pain And mess up our brains. We’re left to strain Pretend there’s no such thing as being gay Pretend he likes the name Joshua When really, SHE wants to be called Leelah. But using the bible To revile Is just plain vile. Why perceive the bible as hostile When it says we should love thy neighbor and smile. Stop the denial You aren’t on trial We understand it takes awhile To get used to And yes what you fear is true But you have to look at the view That we appreciate the sanctity of you So just accept us too Our personalities aren’t new We just grew Into who we were suppose to Be. |
A Day at True Colors
By Gianni Elcuri 3/15 I went to the True Colors Conference for the first time. It was exhilarating. I saw tons of people who were there to support and learn about the LGBTQ community. It was the most enjoyable day of my life. I was able to be me without getting sneers and incredulous looks. It was a day that was focused primarily on having fun and enjoying the person you are. And that is the prime purpose of the program. To make everybody feel one. While spending the day there, I realized that my true community was completely different than the one I’m in daily. Being with people that welcome you with open arms really changes the way you feel. You aren’t uncomfortable for once. Being transgender makes it excruciatingly hard to feel like the rest of the crowd and deep down that’s what everyone wants; a taste of acceptance. At the end of True Colors, a lot of people came up for an open mic session. There were many people spoke out to say that they’ve never felt so free. And when you think about it, it’s one day out of a year for LGBTQ and allies to feel united and equal and that’s sad. It’s horrible that kids can’t feel equal with their peers because they have to hide who they are. When I think of that, my stomach turns. Why is this population treated so differently? Why do some people think it is impossible to love someone of the same sex? Why can’t we love without fear of discrimination and disgust? The LGBTQ community isn’t made of aliens. We are humans, too. We breathe, eat, talk and walk like any heterosexual. We feel, too. But that seems pretty impossible for many homophobic people to comprehend, though it is rapidly changing. There were straight and gay people, drag kings and queens, transgender and transsexuals all there. They were so friendly and welcoming. They even gave free hugs! And the way they all interacted together was the way that everyone should be. The way it felt to be equal with everyone for once was unforgettable. We should all strive for equality but rather get a taste of it, we should all get our daily dose. We need to do something about it. Instead of “progressing toward” equality, why don’t we take concrete actions— individually and collectively— that lead us into a more equal reality? Why is it so hard to accept someone? Why can’t we tolerate one another and learn to be happy? Instead of aiming for progression, we should aim for equality. Instead giving the privilege to wrong doings, we should be correcting all mistakes. We, as a whole, need to fix the world by taking actions rather waiting hand and foot on the people who want to slowly progress and think that’s enough. My Life as an FTM’s Girlfriend
By Anonymous 2/15 It started when he told me, “I’m trans.” I turned to him and gave him the biggest hug and said, “I don’t care; I still and always will love you.” It was really complicated to understand, considering I didn’t have a lot of knowledge about what being transgendered exactly meant. But I knew it meant that life would be different for the both of us. I knew that I would have to get used to acknowledging my girlfriend as my boyfriend. Was it hard? Ehh. I’ve always felt like I had a boyfriend, from the way he protects me to the way he would cringe when I called him, “Babygirl” or “My girl.” So although it might have been a bit hard transitioning from what I was used to saying to saying names more appropriate for the opposite sex he was becoming, it felt more comfortable and right. I knew it made him feel better too. And that was and still is what’s most important. I ultimately identified myself as a lesbian and only a lesbian. I was so set and confident that that was my life’s true identity. When he came out to me I started to wonder. What would that make me now? Am I straight? Do I say I’m bisexual? Maybe pansexual? But then I realized there is no sexuality for being in love. I am in love with an amazing man and I don’t care what people want to call me or say to me. Maybe that’s the reason why this process is so easy for me. I’ve always supported the transgender community, but I’ve never pictured myself being the girlfriend of one. One thing I know now though is that I can’t imagine my life without my boyfriend. He truly is my soulmate, my life, my everything. The fact that he was not physically born male doesn’t mean anything to me and doesn’t make him any less of a man. I am happy. Genuinely and unconditionally happy. And that’s all that matters --besides him being comfortable in his own body. It's been really hard to see the person I love most so upset all the time, knowing I can’t change it just by telling him how I feel. I know that he will never truly be happy if he doesn’t get what he needs to become what he truly desires. It’s hard for me to have to sit back and watch him deteriorate day by day, because he’s become a part of me and when he’s hurt I’m hurt. It breaks my heart completely--every single day. I catch myself getting choked up by tears when I think about how he must feel on the inside. I literally thank God every single day for giving me the opportunity to be the soulmate of one of his most beautiful souls. I’ve been thanking God since the day we met and now that I know the real him, I will continue to thank God because he gave me the greatest guy I’ve ever met. Just because our relationship is different to other people doesn’t make me love my boyfriend any less. Just because his gender at birth wasn’t male doesn’t make me love him any less. In fact, it makes me love him more because he is being true to who he was meant to be and I fell in love with him for that. I will always be in love with him. A change in his gender identity is not going to change my feelings. I remind him of that and that I’ll never leave him. I’m going to forever remain by his side. Until the end. I love him for how beautiful his soul is and the way he treats me. Not the sex he holds, not the gender he claims, but for who he is on the inside. I often get the question, “If you first met him while he was identifying as transgender, would you still have the feelings you have for him today? Would you even approach him?” My answer has always stayed the same. The answer is and always will be yes. He is my soulmate and will continue to be after this life and in every other. I told him that when the time to transition comes, I will be his biggest supporter, even more than now. I will help in any way possible. I am the girlfriend of a transgender man and I love my life. 
Tim Cook Breaks the Silence
Janardhan Sutram 10/14 Timothy Cook, the CEO of the American multinational corporation Apple Inc., speaks up. In his column on Bloomberg Business News he states, “So let me be clear: I’m proud to be gay, and I consider being gay among the greatest gifts God has given me.” You may ask, “Why is this important?” Well, let me begin by saying as a CEO of a highly valued company under constant observation, it was very bold and courageous of Mr. Cook to come out as being gay. This is the first time he has publicly announced his sexual orientation. He noted in his editorial that while plenty of his colleagues at Apple knew he was gay, “it doesn’t seem to make a difference in the way they treat me.” He had recently criticized Alabama, which happens to be Mr. Cook’s home state, for its deficit in their contribution towards equality for LGBTQ communities. We live in a society where privacy is something that goes deep with people. We feel threatened when someone invades our privacy and our information is exploited. "I’ll admit that this wasn’t an easy choice," Cook says. "Privacy remains important to me, and I’d like to hold on to a small amount of it. I’ve made Apple my life’s work, and I will continue to spend virtually all of my waking time focused on being the best CEO I can be." I guess the real question is, “Why do this, Mr.Cook?” The answer appears in the piece: “I don’t consider myself an activist, but I realize how much I’ve benefited from the sacrifice of others. So if hearing that the CEO of Apple is gay can help someone struggling to come to terms with who he or she is, or bring comfort to anyone who feels alone, or inspire people to insist on their equality, then it’s worth the trade-off with my own privacy.” Although some may call this an “act of defense,” I say, that it’s just a personal statement that Cook felt like he needed to share. Many have embraced Cook's stand on sexual orientation and perceptions on the gay community. But some like, Tim Teeman, think that its a “neat opening move.” Teeman wrote in his recent editorial for “The Daily Beast”: “Neat opening move, Mr. Cook: invoke your own belief in God to neuter the religious bigots, and to make the point that your homosexuality is as inherent as heterosexuality.” Granting all this, I suggest that we show a little empathy towards Cook’s sexual orientation and support him for having shown great fortitude and coming out. On a personal note, I suggest that we stop alleging Cook’s act as defensive and take a moral stand towards his act. Congratulations, Mr.Cook, for being open minded and for sharing your values and beliefs and influencing posterity. It is as Dr. Martin Luther King said, “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’” |
