How to Stay Politically Active After the Election
By Jorden Rivera (1/17)
     Well, Trump is our President, but it was a tight race with Harambe in close second. With all of the votes for Harambe, you’d think Hillary was running as a third party candidate, but just because Trump is our President doesn’t mean we should go out and riot. Let’s just be happy the election is over, because the election was like two parents (Hillary and Trump) fighting for custody over a child (America). When secretly we just want to go live over with our Uncle Bernie.
     Presidency often ages people. In Donald Trump's case he’s already 70 years old and that was before his inauguration. He’s going to be a full scale geriatric patient by the time he gets out. If the American government hid the fact that President Roosevelt was in a wheelchair during his term, I have no clue how they’re going to hide a man with Alzheimers running around the White House. But at the same time, this is the quality content I’m looking forward to on Trump's new reality TV show, which will air right after another riveting, entirely true, documentary…South Beach Tow.
     Honestly, I don’t know why so many people hate a humble person like Donald Trump. He’s really the type of guy you’d want to lay back and own a fleet of planes with.
     Since you’re probably feeling manipulated because you’re two paragraphs in and there hasn’t been one word about staying politically active, I’m going to give you a few ways now.
1. Know who your local legislators are and how to get into contact with them, and no, screaming at Dannel Malloy during Sunday night’s eight-o-clock news through your TV is not, “Getting into contact” with them.
2. Attend town hall meetings. Nothing says politics like a few uninvited guests screaming about their political views.
3. Challenge yourself mentally; argue with yourself on important political issues. However, don’t do this at the town hall meetings. They’ll think you’re a lunatic.
4. Try reading more of your local news. I decided to take this one on personally and after reading some of what’s happening in my city, I’ve decided that I’m not going to be leaving my house for a bit.
5. Get involved in your city’s local opportunities. For example, you can do community service, or even do something crazy and actually vote in the next local election!  
6. After reading all of my well thought out ways to stay politically active, I’m sure you aren’t going to make any effort to get involved with your community. However, you should still feel accomplished because even the measly 462 words that make up this article are most likely still more than what you’d usually read in your free time. Congratulations.

​Living the American (Oligarchical) Dream
​By Jorden Rivera (3/17)
     Recently it's been brought to my attention that some may believe that America is an oligarchy instead of a democracy. An oligarchy is when a handful of the wealthy people control a nation. Well, that’s not true in our case. We vote, so of course we’re free. Even though in our election Hillary Clinton clearly got more votes, but she lost. So even if we aren't actually directly voting for the president, at least we can go to the polls, so it simulates the feeling of a good ole democracy.
     We’re still free! We’re free living the American dream.
     -Clearly we’re free because we can: 
     -Build a house
     -Take drugs
     -Drive a car
     -Own a gun (To keep ourselves protected from Al Qaeda)
     -Collect rain water (If you get thirsty.)
     -Take drugs
     -Hunt (Just in case the meat at your local Walmart isn’t fresh enough for you.)
     -Get married
     -Work
     -Leave the country (Chances are you want to.)
     -Start a business
     -Fly a plane
     -Did I mention you can take drugs?
     Well, of course you need government permission for most of the above, but you can still do them. Needing government permission really isn’t all that bad, because it only takes a few years and a couple thousand dollars of schooling to get permission to do half of these things.
     ​The list of things you can do without government permission is also riveting. For instance, you can play with dirt (As long as that dirt isn’t on government property)!
Here in America we have the freedom to express ourselves. So go ahead and express yourself freely, because we also have the freedom to die by police brutality.
     Although we can do so much, our government also dedicates a plethora of time to making laws to ensure we’re safe. For example, in Texas it’s illegal to sell your eyeballs. Well darn, there go my Saturday night plans! But thankfully Texan legislators are paying attention to the important issues and not dealing with something irrelevant like the racial tension in that state between the Latinos and Whites. Also, in Indiana it's illegal to eat garlic or onions four hours before attending a public event or using public transportation. This law is important to make sure no vampires ever feel targeted when riding on a train. In Washington, if someone’s driving into town with criminal intentions, it’s law for them to stop and call the police on themselves. Well, isn’t this genius! This way every criminal will just turn themselves in. Now our police can focus more on shooting minorities!

Suing Saudi Arabia for 9/11
By Jorden Rivera (11/16)
     Bush did 9/11!
     Oh wait, sorry. Wrong conspiracy. Everyone knows it was actually the Saudi Arabian government that orchestrated 9/11! Recent information supplied to me from various personal blogs must be known.
     Thankfully, the U.S. government has finally taken note of this life-threatening discovery and decided to pass a law allowing the families of 9/11 victims to take legal action against the Saudi Arabian government. There’s hardly any tension between America and Saudi Arabia, so it's about time we provoked them.
     And how will we provoke them? By suing them, of course!
     And by them, I mean Saudi Arabia as a country…because they’re all terrorists to America now, even if Saudi Arabia has helped America in numerous wars against terrorism in the Middle East since 9/11. But every Middle Eastern country is the same--Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraqistan--all the same thing to Trump suppo...I mean Americans.
     Only 15 of the 19 9/11 hijackers were Saudi Arabian. But Saudis are clearly responsible because their country sounds the most terrorist-y.
     How can we sue a country overseas with an entirely different set of laws and judicial system than us? Well, we pay taxes so we can do anything. It only makes sense for us to get some type of compensation for these brutal attacks because the United States of America has never harmed another nation for personal gain…at least not since our colonization of African countries, or since that whole “mix up” with the Native Americans about whose country this is.                                                                                   
     A law that allows American citizens to sue an entirely different country should’ve been passed sooner in my opinion. Up until now there has been nothing to help the people left devastated from the 9/11 attacks. Nothing except the Zadroga Act, the act that spent government funds to help rehabilitate people injured from the attacks and a fund that also supplied money to those who’d lost loved ones. Oh yeah, and the World Trade Center Victim Fund that just recently received a measly $4.5 billion dollars from the government to help ensure that 9/11 victims are cared for.
     The attacks against America cannot be justified; we’ve done nothing to other countries besides forcefully set up military operations, bomb, illegally monitor, and set up undercover intelligence missions. We Americans are the saints of the world. Besides the few misdemeanors in our past, we’re innocent as a nation.
     The thought of another country hating us for any reason leaves me flabbergasted; we’re a warm, welcoming, nation who accepts all types of white people.